A few weeks ago I felt so on top of the world! I actually told my friend how happy I was and that I was in a really good place in life at the moment. Then WHAM! My life just started going down hill... By no means should you guys feel obliged to pity me or offer words of sympathy I just needed a place to express myself..
Lately, mainly because of relationship and university selections I feel so suffocated in my own sadness and it makes me feel absolutely shit. I alienate myself from people because I either end up throwing my own frustration upon them and then I just get more upset at myself for being like this or I just end up being a party pooper due to my bitter mood. I'm generally a cheerful person but certain events leave me so angry and upset mainly because I'm so scared of the future. There's nothing I can do to fix these problems except give them time I suppose but it's just so difficult because all of my close friends are either overseas or occupied with their own problems and I feel so alone. The sheer fact of growing up scares me. I feel so weighed down by all these new responsibilities and I'm not ready to handle them, so many "what ifs" cloud around my head. Especially with ATAR scores coming out in less than a week. I hate disappointing my parents they work so hard to pay for education and I don't care as much as I should be. When I grow up I have so much to pay back my parents, they have loved me unconditionally despite what a horrid daughter I am. I don't even know what I want to do with my life, who I am, what I what and I guess that's all part of life I suppose discovering who you are but sometimes I just wish things were clear cut so I wouldn't be so confused. As for relationships... I don't even know anymore. Maybe I'm not mature enough... The other night my friend said "at least you have something worth fighting for.." well I don't know.. do I? When does it begin to start losing it's worth? I want us but not like this.. I'm tired of being hurt and crying because it leaves me with this horrible feeling inside me but I guess for now I'll just keep believing that "if it's meant to be, it will be", hopefully. Lastly I just can't seem to cut some people out of my life. These people continuely hurt me repeatedly and let me down over and over again yet I always fall for their apologises. I cherish and want to maintain our friendship yet they don't seem to give a rats ass. I hate feeling so emotionally bruised and vulnerable, most people see me as a very strong person because I tend to bottle things up but lately everything has just accumulated so heavily and rapidly I'm cracking under the pressure and I just want to cry all the time.
I hate this, I hate the way I feel and how I let it ruin my day. I'm so tired of pitying myself, it makes me feel so pathetic. However, I do have faith that things will lighten up eventually! So if any of you lovely ladies are feeling down 'TIME & FAITH' ♥ and always know that family&friends love you.
Bleh, I'm sorry for this huge depressing wall of text. I just had to let these thoughts and feelings out.